If Only
by Explosion-Of-Colour
Summary: Emotions are like rollercoasters, you never know where you're going next. Set just after 10x22 - Drive. Carby. No spoilers.
1. Insight

Companion piece to 10x22 – Drive.

**If Only**

If only.

They seem to be the only words going through my head lately.

Since the night my son died.

Everything's different now; the people around me are different.

I appreciate their concern, but I see the looks in their eyes. Pity, empathy at the loss of a child I'll never know. A child who never had the chance to live. They express their sympathy and stay away. I notice them keep their distance, I suppose I appreciate it in a way.

There's one person who doesn't keep their distance. Consoling me with heartfelt words of sympathy. She asks me if I'm okay, much like everyone else has done. But it's different, so different I can't seem to form the automatic response that has become second nature over the last week.

I stare at her, a lump forming in my throat as she stares right back.

"You'll get through this."

Her hand is on my arm, her voice confident and assuring. Two words run through my head; if only.

If only my baby had lived. If only Kem and I had been able to do something to prevent this. Sometimes I go as far as; if only I hadn't gone to Africa. But I know its not fair, and the pain I feel is not Kem's fault. It's not anyone's fault. An accident. My son dying was an accident.

I leave the hospital after my shift, the pouring rain suiting my mood. I pull out an umbrella, only briefly considering walking out into the rain and letting it soak me. I hear a cry of triumph as I round the corner, to see Abby beaming from ear to ear.

"Good news?" It strikes me that I may never have seen her look so happy in the four years I've known her. She's like a different person since I got back from the Congo. Confident, smiling, just...happy.

She apologises for her delight, sending her love to Kem. I'm speechless again, nodding slightly in acknowledgement before moving away. I turn back as I finally form the words I want to say.

"There was never a doubt in my mind."

The smile she gives me is beautiful, piercing my grief-laden mind for a second. I realise then, if I'm honest with myself, the words if only had started running through my mind the minute I saw her that day at the hospital, Kem by my side. I had shown her the sonogram, registering the fleeting expression of hurt on her face before it was covered with a forced smile.

If only I hadn't left you behind.

At the time it had been a wayward thought that I hadn't thought much of, but now, seeing her glow with pride at passing her boards, it runs through my mind again.

If only I hadn't left you behind.

I turn my gaze away, walking on through the rain. I hear another exclaimation of delight and can't stop myself turning to look over my shoulder.

She's heading back inside, still smiling, her shift still having another hour to go. I realise I wouldn't mind talking to her about this. In fact she's the only one I could imagine talking to about all of this. But it wouldn't be fair. She's worked so hard to pull her life together, whilst mine has fallen apart.

Oh, Abby.

If only.


	2. Reconnection

Okay, this was really going to be a one-off, but hey you've convinced me! So here's more!

If Only

Chapter 2 - Reconnection

"Hey."

"Hey."

"You off?" I ask, watching him for a second before looking out into the ambulance bay. The rain hadn't let up for more than a few hours all week, and I was beginning to wonder if a holiday in Florida was something I could afford right now.

"Yeah." His voice is distant, keeping his eyes staring down at his hands. "You?"

"Three hours ago." I smile, it striking me as ironic that the little time I have away from the hospital I seem to spend there anyway. So much for sleep. "How's Kem?"

It's not like I hate the woman, and even if I did I don't think I could after what happened to her and John. But it still feels wrong to ask my ex-boyfriend about his current girlfriend. Why is it different to asking Luka about Sam? My life is a damn soap opera.

"Can we go for a coffee or something?" He asks suddenly, finally turning to me. I look at him surprised, wondering if this means he wants to talk, or just wants some company for a little while.

"Eh... sure. Where to?"

"I know this great little Starbucks place round the corner..." He smiles slightly at his own teasing, knowing I hate the place. There's something about overpriced coffee and students that just doesn't gel well with me.

"Well have fun." I smirk back, making a move to walk away.

He grasps my arm gently, standing up to face me. "How about the diner down the street?"

"My treat." I insist, hoping he'll accept my offer without argument. I'm not great with owing people money, it makes me uncomfortable around them, and I was going to pay Carter back for my tuition fees.

"Guess I'll have the lobster then." He smiles again, a half-hearted semi-smile that I'm never the less pleased to see. I wonder if it means he's moving on with his life, getting past the pain of losing his son.

"I wouldn't recommend it. Not from here anyway." I tell him, following him through the doors as he holds one open for me. Gentleman 'til the end, that's Carter.

The waitress comes over to us, and I'm surprised when Carter orders a cheeseburger and fries. Obviously it wasn't going to be the quick 'coffee and pie' incident I thought it was. Not that I mind, what with Susan spending all her time with Chuck and the baby and Sam spending all her time with Luka, I'm short a few friends. I order apple pie and a coffee, catching John's small smile that I haven't changed my eating habits.

"I don't think I can come in here anymore without ordering apple pie." I clarify for him, pulling both hands through the length of my long hair, resolving not to wear it down for work again. It was amazing how many toddlers thought long hair was akin to something worth tugging.

"Some things don't change then."

"Not when it comes to desserts." I answer, trying to stray away from the serious implications of his words. I don't think I could handle a fight right now, and I know he's not going to feel better for one either.

He stares at me, making me uncomfortable under his gaze. I can't work out what he's thinking, not that I ever have been able to, but right now I really have no idea where his thoughts are.

"I miss you."

Wow.

"What?" I ask, slight annoyance crossing my face. I have absolutely no idea where he's taking this, and I'm not entirely sure I want to know.

"I miss you. Spending time with you. Talking...like this." He's still staring at me, his face completely serious.

"If you wanted to talk, Carter, you should have just asked." I chide him softly, thinking back over the last month to make sure there wasn't a time I turned down an offer of coffee or anything else from him.

"Kem... she left last week. Went back to Africa."

Now I feel bad. I should've asked how things were more often than I did. "Oh John, I'm sorry."

He shrugged his shoulders with a non-committal expression, staring at his hands resting on the table. "Not your fault."

I had no idea what to say, his stance and tone giving no clues as to how he felt about her leaving. Thankfully I was saved from continuing as the waitress brought our order over.

I watch as John picks at his meal, only eating the odd chip here and there. I take a piece of my apple pie, the silence becoming deafening.

"You want some?" I ask, offering my fork to him. It seems to break him out of his reverie, looking up with the same slight smile I keep provoking. I suddenly wish I could say something to make him laugh, to see a genuine smile for a second or two.

He shakes his head, sweeping his gaze back to his meal. I try to watch him subtly, before deciding that he wanted to talk and my speciality was getting straight to the point.

"Is she coming back?" I ask gently, not quite looking him in the eyes.

He shakes his head again.

I sigh, wondering who left whom, as it were.

"It's for the best. We seem to be incompatible after all."

I recognise his trivialising of the situation, one of his usual coping tactics.

"How's your family?" He inquires, seemingly genuinely interested.

"Mum's really good. Eric's coping. I think he knows he has to stay on his meds, having Maggie as an example taught him that." I reply, still not accustomed to the sense of pride I feel at my mother's new attitude to life.

"I'm really glad to hear that." He smiles.

"Have you seen your parents recently?" I venture, aware that his father had been there that morning at the hospital.

"Yeah, my dad's been around for a while. Mum's in Europe."

I nod absently, wondering what on Earth his mother was doing in Europe when she should be with Carter.

"I sold the house."

I look at him curiously. "Your grandmother's house?"

"Not so much sold. Donated."

"To what?"

"Medical research." He says it almost proudly, a familiar embarrassed smile crossing his face. "I took your advice."

"My advice?"

"You told me I should change the boards priorities if I didn't like them." He reminded her.

I smile, wondering why I feel so pleased he even remembered me saying that. "Well if I knew you'd take my advice I would've suggested a chocolate factory."

He looks at me questioningly. "That sells coffee?"

"No. That's on tap. Or you can save time and eat the coffee flavoured chocolate." I tell him instantly, enjoying the familiar banter I've missed over the past year.

"You've thought this through, haven't you?"

"Of course. I have goals you know."

My heart leaps as he laughs. A genuine laugh that makes his brown eyes sparkle.

"Wow. A chocolate factory. Wish I'd come up with that."

"Chicago would never be the same." I say dramatically.

He pushes his plate away from him, all of a sudden standing up and holding his hand out to me. "Come on."

I glance from his outstretched hand to his face as he watches me intently. "Where are we going?"

"I'll show you."

I take his hand as he pulls me up, going to fetch our jackets while I pay for our meals at the counter. As I step outside I notice the rain has stopped, the clouds a puffy white instead of the dull grey they'd been all week. Carter walks by my side, his hand on my back, guiding me towards the river. It strikes me I've not been down here since that day I told Luka I'd made some decisions about my life. In some ways this sidewalk by the river feels like a private place for the two of us, Carter and I, which is strange considering I'd been here with many different people from the ER.

"I just wanted to look out on the river." I watch as he props his arms up on the railing, leaning over to stare out at the water. "Feels like years since I came out here on all my coffee breaks." He takes a deep breath and turns to me. "Sometimes I wish I had never left, you know."

The honesty of that confession registered slowly, but I wasn't sure what context he had meant it to be in. "Carter, I don't think- "

"I was wrong. The way I left you… it was cruel and I hate myself for it- "

"It wasn't like I gave you much choice." I interrupt him. I'd been thinking about all this since my psych rotation when my patient with the conversion disorder made me admit I can never follow through. I think until I said it, I never really believed it. But it was Carter I'd had in mind when I admitted it to her, which Jordan had obviously spotted, asking if I meant I could never follow through with men.

"I promised I wouldn't leave you, and I did. We were both having problems and I just… ran away."

"Carter, stop it. It's not worth- "

He cut me off as he kissed me. A furious, hungry kiss that left me breathless as I pushed him away. I try to ignore the feelings of wanting to kiss him back, knowing its not what he needs right now.

"I should never have left you." He says again, sliding his arms around my waist and pulling my body to him again. I push his shoulders away from me to stop his lips meeting mine, trying to step back out of his embrace.

"Carter, you don't want this. It's not me you want. Talk to me."

He pulls back with a sigh, looking miserable. His hand reaches up to stroke my face, grasping a long stand of hair and pushing it from my face as I stare at him in confusion.

"I'm sorry, Abby."


	3. Invitations

If Only

Chapter 3 - Invitations

It was exactly two months since that incident with Carter. I remember because it was the night I had to go back in to the hospital, eventually pulling a 34 hour shift with very little sleep. One of those strange things that sticks in your mind, subconsciously keeping score of the longest shift I'd managed yet.

Of course Carter kissing me, apologising and walking away has stayed with me as well. I wanted him to talk about it, and I'd tried many times to strike up conversation. Whenever we did talk, he made sure it was short and impersonal. I strip off the trauma gown I'm wearing, heaving a sigh at finally being able to get home. Better yet, I have the next two days off. I enter the lounge to see Susan sitting at the table, sipping a large coffee.

"Hey, there."

"Hey. How's the baby?" I ask, smiling when she rolls her eyes.

"She's fine, not that she seems to think so. Spending half the night screaming is her idea of fun. I swear she laughs at me when I tell her she should sleep."

"It didn't tell you that in the mum-to-be book?"

She smirks at me. "So anyway, I hear you get the next few days off? Who's sweeping you off your feet this time?"

I give her a glare, before feigning excitement. "Frank's taking me to the game tomorrow, I can't wait."

"I hope you're kidding."

"Oh no, Susan. It's been going on for months."

She gives me one of her unimpressed looks, throwing the empty paper cup in the bin as she stood. "So what are you going to do?"

"I haven't decided yet. I don't think I wanted to plan anything in case I jinxed it."

"Yeah, I know exactly what you mean."

I turned back to my open locker, placing my stethoscope on the shelf. Carter suddenly comes in through the door, dressed in black tie and looking flustered.

"Looking good, Carter." Susan tells him as she passes him on the way out the door.

"Thanks." He calls back with a smile, turning to where I'm standing. "Hey."

"Where you off to?" I ask, wondering what he's doing at the hospital. He left four hours ago and wasn't due back 'til tomorrow.

Not that I know his schedule.

"Fundraiser. I want to open a clinic not far from here." He tells me, not meeting my eyes. "I left some of the papers here after my shift."

"Still no luck with the chocolate factory then, huh?" I smile, hoping he'll relax a bit.

He grasps some papers from his locker, going to sit down at the table where Susan had been. I begin to think he's ignoring me. He's been more like his old self the last few weeks, laughing a little more often, even cracking a few jokes.

Except around me.

Around me it's forced, only there because he has to be. And if I'm honest I'm not entirely sure why. I slam my locker closed a more forcefully than I needed to, surprised I care enough to be hurt at his attitude towards me. I pull my bag over my shoulder and head for the door, glancing briefly in his direction. His head is down, checking over something on the documents he's reading through.

I wave to Susan who was standing at admin on my way out. I step out of triage and the cold hits me, making me glad of my thick coat and scarf. I'm nearly out of the ambulance bay when a shout stops me.

"Abby!"

I turn to see Carter moving quickly towards me, pulling his jacket closer around his body.

"Hi." I don't manage to disguise my surprise, but then he did just ignore me completely no less than three minutes ago.

He stands in front of me, looking as thought he wants to say something but doesn't know how, or maybe if he should.

"What's wrong?" I ask, shivering as the cold suddenly registers. I idly hope its not going to snow on my precious few days away from work, of course it probably will, because my luck just isn't what it should be.

"I just wanted to apologise again. The way I've been acting... I just don't know what to say to you."

"Carter- "

"No, I don't mean it like... When we were down by the river that night, I'm sorry I did that."

"It's okay, Carter. You were upset- "

"No, Abby. Listen." He takes a breath and I realise he's trying to say more than he's comfortable with. "That night... I don't want you to think- "

He stops, looking helplessly at me.

"Forget it." I say gently, brushing his arm with a smile.

"Can we talk about this some time? Over coffee or something?" He asked tentatively, obviously expecting me to decline.

"Sure. Whenever you're ready."

He gives me a relieved smile, reaching out to squeeze my shoulder, before looking at his watch.

"Right I better go."

I raise my hand in a silent goodbye as he rushes away, turning to walk in the other direction.

I manage a few steps before another shout stops me again, turning to see Carter standing a few feet from the customary black limo waiting for him.

"Hey Abby! You need a ride?"

I smile wryly, wondering how he could make a limo ride sound like a bus journey.

"Come on! It's too cold to wait for the El!"

I turn to look up the street that lead to the El, shivered again and gave in.

"You sure I'm not going to make you late for your party?" I enquired as he helped me into the car, his hand holding mine a second longer than he needed to.

"I don't think anyone will mind."

We sit in silence and I use the opportunity to watch him subtly as he stares out the window.

"How much are you hoping to raise?"

"Ten to fifteen."

"Thousand?"

He looks at me, a slight smile on his face as I realise how stupid that question was.

"Million." He clarifies for me.

I make an 'oh' sound and turn slightly to look out the window.

"Got plans tonight?"

I shift my gaze back to his. "Not really. I'm thinking pizza and a movie, or maybe just rearranging my sock drawer."

He smiles at me, as if I'd made a joke. "I never did do that for you."

I frown in confusion, unsure what he's talking about. I feel the car stop and realise with a glance out the window that we're outside my apartment.

"Thanks for the lift, Carter. Definitely beats waiting around on the El platform."

"Abby," he says just before I leave the car. "You don't want to join me tonight, do you? It'd be nice to have a friendly face and my Dad can't be there."

If I hadn't seen the imploring look on his face I would've been able to say no. I really would have. It was right on the tip of my tongue. But it was the first time in months he'd actually wanted to spend more than two minutes with me and I'd promised myself I wouldn't decline anytime he wanted to talk.

"Sure. Give me ten minutes."


	4. Arguments

If Only

Chapter 4 - Arguments

It felt like I'd taken a step back in time, back to three years ago when I had to change into that horrible bridesmaids dress, Carter having conveniently forgotten to tell me it was a black tie event. Only this time I at least had a dress I could wear.

"Carter?" I call when I don't see him.

"Yeah, in here." I find him in the kitchen, helping himself to a glass of water.

"This okay?" I ask, pulling at the skirt of my deep purple dress. It was the first time I'd had the chance to wear it, having bought it for one the events we were supposed to be going to when I was with Carter. Suffice to say it felt a little strange wearing it for the same reason only under very different circumstances. Silver clips on either side of my head pulled segments of blonde-highlighted hair away from my face, which I hoped would be enough to look at least like I fitted in.

He looks at me, not saying anything for a second as he takes in my appearance. "Yeah…you look…" He clears his throat, averting his eyes and looking embarrassed again. "We better get going."

As I sit in the limo nervously playing with the beaded spaghetti straps on my dress, I try to work out if this was such a good idea. I can see Carter glancing at me every few minutes, and every time I turn my head to meet his eyes, he'll smile and look away.

"You nervous?" I ask him, wondering how big a part he plays in tonight's event.

"Actually I only need to be there because I organised the fundraiser. You know, make an appearance and shake a few hands." He says it with his usual disdainful tone that I recognise whenever he's talking about his family's money or the society events linked to them.

"You mean no television appearances? That's terrible, Carter." I smile to assure him I'm teasing, and he rewards me with a smile in return.

"I figure the film cameos I have next week will be enough for now."

"Really? I always thought of you as an eligible bachelor of the soap world."

He looks straight at me then, an amused smile playing on his lips. "I couldn't get away with being James Bond then?"

I roll my eyes, at a loss as to why the male population thought 007 was such a great character. "You're a walking cliché, Carter."

The car slides to a stop and Carter takes my hand to help me out of the vehicle. We're met with an entourage of flashing cameras and various other well-dressed guests as we walk towards the entrance, his hand still grasping mine firmly. As we reach the relative haven of the large hall, I see him look around as if searching for someone.

"My father should be around here somewhere." He tells me by way of explanation. Seemly spotting him, Carter guides me through the large crowds towards the grey haired man who bears a resemblance to Carter. I only met his father a few times when we were dating, but I always got the impression I wasn't his idea of a good match for John.

"John! We were beginning to wonder if you'd ever appear." The older man greets his son warmly, breaking away from a conversation with a group of people to our left. He glances at me, obviously noticing our entwined fingers and I feel a blush creep up my face. What have I got myself in to?

"Yeah, sorry about that. You remember Dr Lockheart, don't you Dad?" Carter offers me a teasing smile.

"Doctor? Congratulations, Abby." Mr. Carter shakes my hand – the one that isn't imprisoned in Carter's, and turns back to his son. I feel a little out of place standing there listening to the Carters talk about things I will never really know anything about. I wait for a break in the conversation and tell Carter that I'm just going outside for a few minutes.

The cold evening sooths my headache a little when I finally manage to navigate the crowds enough to reach the exit doors. I sit on the large stonewall connected to the steps leading up to the hall, watching the various couples coming and going. I feel a tinge of pride as I realised it hadn't even crossed my mind to light up a cigarette whilst I was out here. Turns out hypnosis really works for me. Who would have thought it?

I pull my wrap tighter around my shoulders, knowing I should go back inside, but content to watch the comings and goings a little while longer.

"Hey."

I jump at John's voice as he suddenly appears next to me.

"You okay?" He asks gently, making me smile at him.

"Yeah. Just a headache."  I answer honestly.

"I thought you came out here for a cigarette."

"I don't smoke." I tell him, the sense of pride heightening when he looks at me in surprise. "Have you made the money you needed?"

He nods. "I think so. You want to take a walk?"

I'm not sure if he's saying it because he wants to leave or because he thinks I do. "You're gonna ditch your dad?"

"I'll see him later. No one will even notice I'm not there."

"I'm sure that's not true." I stand up and he insists on giving me his jacket when he sees me shiver again.

"Thanks for coming, Abby. It really…after everything- "

"It's my pleasure. You saved me from a night of channel surfing."

His mouth quirked upwards at that. "I'm not keeping you from _Fear Factor_, am I?"

"It's okay, I'm taping it." I deadpan; looking around at the well-lit park we're walking through, where several other of the fundraiser's guests seem to be strolling.

Carter stopped walking suddenly, placing himself in front of me, a serious expression adorning his handsome face. "Listen, Abby. What I was trying to say earlier, outside the hospital…I'm sorry I've not spoken to you, that we haven't talked. That day, when we were by the river- "

"Carter, you don't have to- "

"No, Abby. You don't understand. That day, when I kissed you, I know you think I was kissing you in place of someone else, but- "

"Carter- "

"Abby, it was **you** I wanted to kiss. I felt so bad for walking away like that and I know I shouldn't have- "

"It's okay, it's not like I didn't…" I don't finish my sentence, finally breaking the intense eye contact with his brown eyes before I say something I'd rather keep to myself.

"What?"

"Nothing. It's okay." My voice is defensive and I hope he won't press the conversation.

"It's not like you didn't…what, Abby?" His voice is annoyed now, my characteristic backing-off tactic not working very well on him.

"It doesn't matter." I insist forcefully.

"It matters to me. Why can't you be honest with me?"

"I am being honest with you! I told you it doesn't matter."

"What, Abby? What doesn't matter? Tell me!"

"It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter what happened! It doesn't matter that you left! It doesn't matter that I still lo- " I stop myself abruptly, looking hard at him as I correct myself. "It doesn't matter."

"Well I see some things don't change." He responds in that sarcastic voice I hate so much when directed at me.

"That's not fair." I lower my voice, wanting to get out of this conversation right now. I'm shocked when I suddenly feel the sting of tears in my eyes.

He sighs, looking around in defeat, obviously wondering whether to continue this argument. "Can't we talk this through?"

"Which part?"

"About what happened to us last year. About what went wrong. I know I was the one who walked away but there was something not working before that."

 "I know Carter! I disappointed you at every turn. I know that. Why do we need to go over this?" Whatever remaining shreds of my temper I still held on to had disappeared at this point.

"Why do you think that? It's not true! I was never disappointed in you. I hated seeing you pulling yourself in so many different directions, and I couldn't do anything to help you!"

"I didn't want your help! I wanted to be a normal girlfriend, not a screw-up with a crazy family who needed saving all the time. I couldn't be that person, and you walked away." I turned to walk away, praying that was the end of it. He came after me, grasping my arm none-too-gently.

"Abby, you were only ever screwed up in your own mind. You blamed yourself for all of it and everything that happened got to be too much for us."

I look at him angrily, not understanding why we're even having this conversation. "I know that, Carter!"

"But it was as much my fault as yours. We **both** gave up."

"Carter, why are we even discussing this?" I pull John's jacket closer around me, shooting him a weary glare.

"Abby…" He stares at me, looking as though he wants to confess the real reason for going through all that, then changes his mind. "Okay, lets go back inside."

I'm amazed when he holds his hand out to me, clasping mine as we walk back to the hall in silence.


	5. Deja vu

**If Only**

Chapter 5 – Déjà vu

The night passed quickly after our dispute, Carter led me back inside and offered a friendly tour of the old hall and its history, thereby avoiding as many of the guests as possible. His hand had held mine like a lifeline all night and many of Carter's family friends who had approached us had mistaken me for his girlfriend, none of whom I must've met when I _was_ actually John's girlfriend.

"You planning an escape, Abby?" Carter said softly in my ear, breaking my thoughts and making me realise I had, in fact, been staring at the doors.

"Just wondering what to do with my free weekend." I lie smoothly, looking up at his face as he stands beside me.

"Assuming Weaver doesn't decide to call you in anyway." He teases gently, to which I throw him a dirty look.

"I'm burning my pager and taking my phone off the hook for the next two days." I tell him confidently.

"I'm off on Sunday too." He tells me, looking everywhere but my eyes and feigning a casual stance. Sometimes it scares me how easily I can read this man, and other times it frustrates me that I haven't any idea what he's thinking.

"Assuming you manage to escape the ER vortex." He meets my eyes with a smile in my attempt to return the favour, moving forward suddenly and taking me with him.

"Lets get out of here."

My traitorous mind instantly remembers the last time he said that to me, the occasion ending in a kiss by the river and two months worth of strained relations between us.

"Where are we going, Carter?" I ask as I'm helplessly propelled along beside him. I'm surprised he isn't just going to take me home. After all, his usual reaction to an argument would be to walk away and 'let the dust settle' as it were. I'm a little worried this means he wants to bring up the conversation again, but I stamp down on that thought, as I have to admit - at least to myself - I really enjoy being in John Carter's company again.

"What about that fish restaurant you like? We're dressed for it." As I open my mouth to protest at the idea, he cuts me off; "My treat, as a thank you for coming along tonight."

He opens the door of the limo for me as I think it over, deciding quickly that a dinner with him couldn't hurt... could it?

%%%%%

"It's the Carters! How are you two tonight?" The over-zealous Irish accent greeted us as we walked in to the up-market restaurant. I smile in greeting, deciding to let Carter deal with the question. This place always seems fairly full, yet somehow whenever Carter and I turn up, Connor always manages to find us a table.

"We're good thanks," Carter answered him, throwing me an apologetic look. "How's your family?"

"Doing great, the girls start school in the fall." Connor, a former patient of John's, showed us to a table by the large picture window, handing us menus. "You ever going to get a ring on her finger, John?" He laughed as he grinned at me and returned to his post by the door.

"Sorry." Carter offered tentatively, looking embarrassed until he saw my amused smile. I'd met Connor a few times when we'd eaten at this restaurant, and he never failed to make me laugh, even if his comments were misinformed this time. Carter gave in to the sheepish grin he'd been holding back, betraying his relief at avoiding an uncomfortable situation. I can feel his eyes on me as I take in our surroundings, realising how I'd missed being out in a date-like fashion with a guy.

"We never really did this." I say aloud.

His chestnut gaze met my eyes with interest. "Did what?"

"The whole date thing." I fold my hands under my chin, guessing maybe that wasn't the best thought to voice at present. I can't believe I just referred to this as if it were a date. I must be tired. Stupidly, unthinkingly tired.

He looks thoughtful for a second, thinking over what had transpired in the first few months we were together. "I suppose we did kind've skip it."

I mentally berate myself for saying such a stupid thing, scanning my menu and plastering a bright smile on my face. "So what should we eat?"

Somehow I managed to refrain from saying anything else remotely awkward, so the mood was somewhat jovial as we ate, the evening ending quicker than I expected. As he walked me to my apartment door, I wonder whether I should be feeling as anxious as I am now.

He reaches out to lay his hands on my hips, surprising me by the familiar, yet nearly forgotten contact of his touch. "I'm glad you came with me tonight, Abby. I had an okay time." He smiles warmly, his tones teasing again as he repeats my words from a few years ago. I can tell by the intensity of his eyes what he's about to do before he starts to lean towards me, but I can't make myself pull away. His lips meet mine uncertainly, giving me more than enough chance to stop him. His kiss is soft and loving, and for a moment I feel as though the last year and a half never happened. He pulls away gently, a surprised smile lighting his handsome features.

We watch each other for a second, a million thoughts passing through my mind. He seems fascinated with my hair, running one hand over the length of it as he stares into my eyes. I don't want to be the one to break the intense eye contact, and apparently neither does he.

"I better go."

His words are husky, his eyes never leaving mine. He's the one to finally break away, brushing his hand down my arm.

"Carter," I finally find my voice, stopping him moving any further by catching his arm.

He doesn't answer me, gazing at me with a questioning expression on his face. I encircle my arms around his neck, urging his head down to be level with mine. This time our lips collide passionately, eighteen months worth of angst and worry finally finding an outlet. His arms surround my waist, pulling me against him.

I broke away breathlessly, unable to stop the inevitable words spilling from my mouth.

"You want to come in?"


	6. Afterglow

Just like to say a huge thank you to all those reviewing this story - I promised myself I'd never write Abby because she's so complex, but too much ER made me write this :D

****

**If Only**

Chapter 6 - Afterglow

Early the following morning, I was vaguely aware of several kisses pressed along my shoulder blade, before the weight on the bed righted itself, leaving me alone. I drift back to sleep, shifting slightly on my side. Sometime later I woke to kisses along my neck and across my bare shoulders, and if I'm not mistaken, the wonderful smell of fresh coffee. Gentle hands turn me so I'm lying on my back, and I open my eyes against the bright sunlight as lips descend upon mine.

"Hey." He whispers. I can actually hear the smile in his voice, as I throw an arm across my eyes to block out the light. Its not that I mind him waking me, it just takes me a while to wake up, and thankfully, he knows all about this, which makes me smile.

"Hi." I feel the bed dip beside me, one hand tracing shapes on my stomach under the duvet as he kisses me again. Leisurely. Familiar. Making me realise once again how much I'd missed him.

"I made breakfast." He tells me, his face an inch from mine as my eyes finally adjust to the lighting of the room. He kisses the tip of my nose as the arm supporting him moves to position his hand over my hair.

"Are you dressed?" I ask, reaching out to pull at the t-shirt he's wearing.

He chuckled softly. "I've been up a while." He watched me for a moment, before leaning in to give me another kiss. "Do you want breakfast in here or out there?"

I smile sleepily again, touched at his kindness. "I'll be there in a minute."

As he retreats from the room I realise the t-shirt he's wearing is actually one of his that I still had in the back of my cupboard, making me wonder how he'd managed to find it. I see his dress shirt that he wore the night before folded in a pile of clothes on the chair in the corner, and I grab it, making the quick decision that I'm not ready to start the day just yet.

I see a slow smile spread across Carter's face as I enter the kitchen. "Don't look at me like that. It's my day off, I can wear what I want." I smirk as I pilfer some toast from the plate he's preparing, hoisting myself up to sit on the counter. Had I been more awake, I probably would have felt a lot more self-conscious, what with the shirt I wore only reaching mid-thigh at best.

"You're trying to make me late, aren't you?" He asks me playfully, abandoning his task to stand in front of me, folding his arms casually over my knees.

I eat my toast and shoot him an indignant look. "I have no idea what you mean."

Carter grinned at me, his fingers moving idly along my outer thighs. "Got plans today?"

"Something along the lines of retail therapy." I answer, plucking a second slice of toast from the plate that sat beside me and glancing at the clock on the far wall. "Aren't you gonna be late?"

He looks up to check the time, before leaning forward to press a long kiss to my lips. "I'm on a half shift, so if you wait a while I could go with you. I'll be off at three."

I'm not sure what I'm more surprised at, that he wants to come straight back after his shift to spend time with me, or that he just offered to go round a shopping centre with me. "Sure." I finish the toast I'm eating and place my arms on Carter's shoulders, wondering just what we've started here and how long it'll be before we have to talk about it.

He grins again and pulls gently on my shirt collar, guiding my lips to his as he entangles one hand in my hair. Our eyes lock for a second once he moves back, and he glances quickly at the watch on his wrist. "Now I'm late."

"I warned you." I call after him; laughing at the smirk he sends me over his shoulder as he leaves. I look around my now-empty apartment, dreading the on-coming analysing of what happened last night. I'm my own worst enemies in so many ways, and its only recently I've realised this. With that in mind, I drop to my feet from the kitchen counter, pouring some of the still-fresh coffee that Carter had made and discovering the croissants he'd left in the now-cooling oven. I had no idea how much I'd missed him until last night. I smile, making a silent promise to myself that if at all possible, I would do everything I could to make this work with him.

%%%%

I went out for groceries a little later, guessing I might be cooking for two people instead of one this evening. I could only have been gone an hour, but I returned to find a message from Carter on my machine. For a moment my paranoia got the best of me and I thought it was to say it was all a mistake and he wouldn't be coming over, but his cheery voice only wanted to check it was still okay to come by later. I spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon tidying the apartment, enjoying my favourite music in the background whilst I worked.

I jumped when I heard a knock on the door, wondering if the music was too loud for some of my neighbours. I was surprised to find Carter standing there, along with a large box of, what looked to be, chocolates.

"Hey," he kissed me in greeting, offering the gold wrapped box to me. "Until the chocolate factory comes along."

I smile whole-heartedly at his gift, wrapping my arms around his shoulders to kiss him properly. "How was your shift?"

"Busy. Four M.V.A.s, and a couple of G.S.W.s. I managed to get away before Weaver had me working overtime." He follows me into the kitchen as I move to put some coffee on. I feel his arms encircle my waist as I finish the coffee and open the chocolates, trying to find one of the caramels I like.

"You still wanting to go shopping?" I ask, fully expecting him to have concocted an airtight excuse to get out of it.

His arms tighten at my waist as he presses a soft kiss to my shoulder before answering. "I just want to be with you, so if shopping is on the agenda, I'll go along with it."

"Good answer."

"Although I do draw the line at shoe shopping." He warns as an afterthought, reaching over my shoulder to steal a chocolate.

"Too bad. I need to restock my entire footwear wardrobe today. It'll be so much fun." I tease sarcastically, turning to face him so I can see his expression.

"Oh really? Some occasion you need to buy for?"

"I may have a thing."

"A thing?"

"Yes, a very important thing. It'll take me _hours_ to choose the right shoes for the occasion."

"You think you're funny, don't you?"

I laugh in response and roll my eyes. I've really missed this. The banter. The easy, playful conversations we always share. "Okay, double-oh-seven, no shoes."

In some ways I wish we could go on like this forever, the carefree time spent together, ignoring the issues that caused so many problems before. But I know we should discuss this, understand what went wrong the first time round before attempting a relationship again. At the back of my mind I'm still wondering if this is happening because Carter wants a family, to replace the one he lost not that many months ago. I'm not who I was when we dated before. The transition from a nurse to become a doctor signifying the amount of changes I'd promised myself I'd try to achieve most of my life. Now I have finally accomplished that goal, and as proud of myself as I am, I need to know his reasons for wanting this relationship again.

I give myself a mental shake, content to enjoy his closeness as we sip coffee, curled up together on my sofa. He presses a kiss in to my hair, and I look into his eyes. I won't think like this, I can't make assumptions. I will enjoy this afternoon with him.

Talking can wait.


	7. After All

Sorry it took me so long to get this up - this chapter is a little different from others because of what I wanted to put into it - I hope it works! I thoroughly recommend the song 'After all' by Cher. Next chapter will bring back the drama don't worry!

**If Only**

Chapter 7 – After All

_Well here we are again,_

_I guess it must be fate,_

_We've tried it on our own,_

_But deep inside we've known,_

_We'd be back to set things straight._

A soft melody disturbs my sleep; it takes me a minute to identify the sound as the radio switching itself on in the form of an alarm. I roll over to squint at the glowing clock digits on my bedside table, my movement restricted by the strong arm locked around my waist. He stirs slightly next to me, making protesting noises at my pulling away from him. I relent, letting him pull me back into his embrace, his left hand immediately supporting the back of my head, drifting over the length of my hair idly. The reason I'm reluctant to get up this morning – aside from having John Carter in my bed, is partly because it will signify the end of our weekend together. The lovely bubble I've been living in for 48 hours, where nothing can come between us, no one has to know that we were together, and all possible consequences can be ignored, is about to burst as soon as I leave my apartment for the hospital.

_I still remember when,_

_Your kiss was so brand new,_

_Every memory repeats,_

_Every step I take retreats,_

_Every journey always,_

_Brings me back to you._

He moves his mouth against my hairline, pressing tiny kisses there to indicate his wakefulness. Despite my happy smile, I have this nagging feeling at the far recesses of my mind that remind me I shouldn't let myself feel so much yet. I could be setting myself up to get hurt all over again; the reasons why he wants me are still a mystery to me, and now there's the added doubt that he only wants to replace what he lost five months ago. My smile has disappeared as my body tenses, an intoxicating feeling of dread at the impending hurt hitting me like a tidal wave.

_After all the stops and starts,_

_We keep coming back to these two hearts._

The overwhelming feelings start to dissipate as I feel his hand rubbing gently along my side, trying to ease the tension he can sense from me. He shifts his head, pressing kisses down my forehead and over my nose, before finally meeting my lips. I return the kiss, my heart desperately wanting some assurance that I'm not walking into an impossible situation with no good foreseeable outcome. We have so much emotional baggage between us; I wonder if this is completely wrong for us both. I pull away, burying my head in his shoulder and slipping my arms around his waist. His head rests gently on mine, and I can feel the stubble from his unshaven face prickle my forehead. His hand is drawing circles across my spine at the small of my back, and I feel him smile again my hair.

"I love you."

It's a whisper, almost as if he's realising it himself and I'm not really here.

_After all that we've been through,_

_It all comes down to me and you,_

_I guess it's meant to be,_

_Forever you and me,_

_After all._

His arms tighten around me and he presses a kiss to my head.

"I love you, Abby."

This time the words are spoken in a confident, sincere tone. I know I don't have to respond, and I know he doesn't expect that I would. I pull back so I can look him in the eyes, leaning in to kiss him gently on the mouth. He watches me with a content smile for a moment as he smoothes loose tendrils of my hair back from my face, and I send him my questioning smile in return. Carter has changed so much, been through so much in his life, yet he's still the same loving, caring best friend I got to know after our chance meeting at AA all those years ago. He's gently combing a hand through blonde tresses, spreading a wave of blonde across my abandoned pillow.

_When love is truly right,_

_This time it's truly right,_

_It lives from year to year,_

_It changes as it grows,_

_But oh the way it grows,_

_And it never disappears_.

I grin, my heavy thoughts lifting as I realise the radio isn't the only sound in the room.

"Are you humming?" I ask in a teasing voice.

He looks at me, an indignant look on his face that confirms my suspicion.

"Do you sing too?"

"Not as well as you."

"Well, that goes without saying." I laugh at his disbelieving expression, and then start to make a move from the warmth of his arms, but he holds on. "We should get up." I insist, but he refuses to relinquish his grasp.

"It's still early."

"Maybe for you." I steal a lingering kiss before making a dash for the bathroom, taking note of having exactly an hour and twenty minutes to be at the hospital.

_Always just beyond my touch,_

_Though I needed you so much,_

_After all…what else is living for._

Maybe it doesn't have to be difficult, I muse as I switch the shower on. Maybe we can be happy together. I adjust the temperature of the water - Carter having always preferred cooler showers than I do meant it hadn't been left how I like it, and for some perverse reason it felt nice to have to regress back to switching back and forth again. If I love him, and he loves me, why does it need to be difficult? We know each other as no one else does, we understand each other's pasts, and unfortunately we both have the power to hurt the other immensely if we screw up.

But I won't.

I won't destroy this.

I won't give up on this.

I can't.

Not again.

_After all the stops and starts,_

_We keep coming back to these two hearts._

_After all that we've been through,_

_It all comes down to me and you,_

_I guess it's meant to be,_

I change my mind as I'm about to step into the shower, wrapping a towel around myself before opening the bathroom door. John is still in bed, looking half asleep, but he looks at me with that lovely alluring smile that's broken many a heart over the years. I notice then that his eyes seem…older. Wiser. The toll life experience has taken on his soul. But right now, they watch me with a boyishly mischievous glint, and a smile to match, obviously guessing what I'm about to say.

"You coming?"

_Forever you and me,_

_After all._


	8. Reality

* * *

If Only

Chapter 8 – Reality

I stare out the window as Carter drives us to the hospital, the rain trailing down in small rivulets, my mind elsewhere. The radio is on some 'good morning' show, breaking up the silence. I feel Carter place his hand on my knee and I turn to look at his concerned face.

"You okay?"

I smile and nod, turning back to watch the tiny rivers on the jeeps window. His hand stays on my knee for another few minutes until we reach our destination. I don't move to open the door even after he shuts the engine off, and neither does he, watching me for a second before he grasps my hand.

"What are you thinking?"

I roll my eyes and sigh, not in irritation, but the hurt look that flits across his handsome face tells me it seemed like it, so I smile. "Just that I wish we could have a few more days like yesterday before going back."

He grins in agreement, moving in to kiss me. "Tonight?"

"What do you suggest, doctor?" I ask playfully, our antics in the shower only an hour ago still on my mind.

"Pizza and a movie?" He asks as he presses butterfly kisses along my jaw line.

"Sounds good." I smile again as our lips meet heatedly, and we both pull away simultaneously, seemly remembering where we are at the same time. His grin is sheepish as he looks at me a final time before opening his door. I reach out to grasp his hand as we walk from the parking garage. He smiles at me again before we hear the wail of approaching sirens; two ambulances entering the ER bay.

We go our separate ways, each taking a trauma from the rigs and I'm immediately swept up in the ER vortex.

* * *

"Abby, you got a minute?" I hear Susan call from behind me.

"Sure, just a sec'." I replace my patient's chart at the end of his bed and head out after Susan; her bright smile as infectious as always.

"Coffee?" She throws over her shoulder as she leads me in to the lounge.

I nod, sitting myself down at the table and grasping one of the newspapers left there.

"So…"

I look up at my blonde friend, for the first time noticing that her smile is mischievous. "So…?" __

"I hear you and Carter arrived together?"

I smirk; berating myself for not having guessed there would be the County gossip mill clocking Carter's and my every move. "So?"

"He drove you to work, he spent the weekend at your place, he arrived at the same time as you, he hates your guts, what?"

I give her an innocent smile. "Don't know what you're talking about."

"Really? That's funny because look what I found in this morning's social page." Susan produced a ripped-out newspaper photo and placed it in front of me. My eyes widened as I saw what she meant. There in the foreground was Carter and I, dressed as we were on Friday night for the benefit. I was smiling up at him as he pulled his jacket around my shoulders, the scene looking very intimate to the casual observer. "So what's going on? I can't believe you didn't tell me!"

"It was a charity thing, he asked me to go at the last minute." I explained, gamely meeting her eyes.

"And you happen to arrive at the hospital two days later _together_?"

I open my mouth to protest, but the man himself saves me from doing so as he enters the room.

"Hey, girls. Is that coffee?" Carter breezed in, completely oblivious to Susan's accusations. He pulled out the chair next to mine, dropping his head into his folded arms tiredly.

"Not sleep well, Carter?" Susan asked pointedly, sending a devilish grin my way.

He looked up to meet her innocent expression, confusion on his face. "Tough shift."

He glanced at me with a questioning gaze and I shook my head slightly, mouthing, "Don't ask."

Susan gave us both a glare at not getting any answers, then turned to make the coffee. I could see John stretch his arms upward out of the corner of my eye, and then brought them down to his knees under the table. As he leant forward I felt his hand rest on my thigh, provoking an inquiring stare from me. I pretended to read the paper in front of me, trying to distract myself from the circles Carter was drawing on my thigh with his fingers. Susan placed two cups of steaming coffee in front of us, before retrieving her own and taking a seat opposite us.

"Do anything interesting at the weekend, Carter?" Susan began the inquisition again.

Another glance at me and he answered; "Nothing much. Benefit was Friday, had a shift Saturday." As he said it I knew he'd spotted the newspaper clipping that was still on the table in front of me. Susan saw that he had too.

"Busted, Carter." She smirked smugly.

"Do you remember anyone taking this?" He asked me, and I spotted it as a diversion tactic against Susan.

I shook my head, unable to suppress a smile at his helpless look.

"I should get back…out there." I stumble out as Carter's hand clamps down on my thigh, not happy I was leaving him alone with the one-woman investigation team. I smile sweetly at him and get out the door before either he or Susan can stop me.

* * *

Another four patients later, I'm still managing to avoid Susan, and I had yet to run into Carter. The four-year-old in curtain one had just thrown up on me, so I changed into scrubs in the storage closet where they're kept. As I pull the handle to leave the tiny room, the door suddenly swings inwards and closes instantly behind him.

"Carter! What are you doing?"

"Hiding from Susan." Came his sheepish answer.

I laugh, unable to stop myself at finding their behaviour so amusing. I make a move to go around him, having taken a little longer than I should've to get changed already.

"You dropped me in it, Lockheart." He told me in no uncertain terms, placing his arm across my path to the door.

I send him a defiant glare. "I've got patients, Carter."

"Five minutes and she'll stop looking." He promised me with a grin.

"You don't think she'll find it a little strange she can't find either of us?" I ask sensibly.

"Don't care." He leant forward to press a kiss to my lips, wrapping his arms around me.

"Why do I get the feeling you've done this before?"

He grins at me before replying. "Hiding or kissing you in a storage closet?"

* * *

For once my patient load actually winds down towards the end of my shift, so I retreat to the lounge for my sixth coffee of the day. Nearly colliding with Pratt as he rushes out, I see Susan sitting with little Bethany on her knee, trying to jot down notes in a journal without jostling the baby from her sleep.

"Hey." I whisper with a smile, moving across the room to sit beside her. "She's peaceful today."

"I'm making the most of it." Susan replies with a tired smile. "You done for the day?"

"In half an hour."

"Don't let Kerry catch you in here thirty minutes early." She warned, continuing her awkward writing.

"You want me to hold her while you do that?"

"Would you mind?"

I shake my head with a smile, taking the small bundle from her arms. Bethany's tiny eyes open as if to see what's going on around her, but she stays quiet as she studies me.

"So you and Carter…" Susan starts again, her voice still hushed.

I smirk at her, but my attention is drawn away as Bethany starts to squirm a little. I pull her into a sitting position on my knees and support her there, bouncing her gently and she smiles.

"Oh she knows when she's being left out."

I laugh at her tone, knowing she loves her daughter's little attention seeking tactics. "So how's Chuck doing?"

"He dotes on her. If he buys one more stuffed animal we're going to need a bigger place." She says it with a feigned annoyance, and its obvious how happy she is with motherhood.

Before I can reply, Chuny poking her head around the door interrupts us. "Doctor Lewis, your patient is coding."

She doesn't wait for a reply, the door swinging shut behind her. Susan looks guilty as she stands. "You okay with her for a few minutes?"

I nod, watching her rush out before returning my attention to the baby in my arms.

Ten minutes later, Bethany is still smiling, much to my relief, and Susan hadn't returned. I get up to walk Bethany around the room, a trick I learned as an OB nurse to calm newborns when overwhelmed new mothers needed a break. She looks around, taking in all of her surroundings from her new vantage point. I spot Susan out at the admin desk through the blinds, and I ask Bethany if she wants to see her mum. Her inquisitive blue eyes watch me, and I take it as a 'yes'. We move out the door and Susan spots me as I move to stand next to her.

"Abby, I'm sorry."

I smile and shake my head. "She's been good as gold."

"That's because she saves all her bad moods for her mum." Susan tells me assuredly, smiling at her daughter never the less. "You want me to take her?"

"She's okay. My shift's pretty much over anyway. How's your patient?" I inquired, hiking Bethany up on my hip.

"Doing okay now." She signs the chart in front of her and drops it back in to the rack.

"Finally finished- " Carter suddenly appeared behind Susan, drawing our attention away from Bethany. He erased a couple of names from the transparent patient board and turned to us, seemingly just noticing the baby in my arms. I saw him do a double take, not saying a word.

"Carter?" I ask gently, reading the sudden pain in his eyes.

"I- patients- " He stumbles away as quickly as he can, leaving Susan and I watching his retreating form in bewilderment.


	9. Misconception

**I know its been ages, but for some reason I have the Carby vibe back! The next chapter will be along quickly I promise cos I actually have it planned already! Lol. Hope you're still reading! Oh, and I don't have a beta and its nearly 4AM so I hope the wording is ok! :oS  
**

**If Only**

Chapter 9 - Misconception

I look to Susan in confusion, hoping she maybe has some insight into why my… friend? Boyfriend? ex?… Why Carter has just scampered away faster than I could blink. She shakes her blonde head, a concerned frown creasing her forehead as she reaches for the baby in my arms.

I walk quickly in the direction he went, but a busy hospital is the best place I know to get lost in, voluntarily or not. I check all the exam rooms first, but he should have finished his shift about thirty minutes ago and I wonder if he's left already. Weaver caught me as I headed out to the ambulance bay and the car park beyond it, complaining I hadn't passed on any of my patients yet. Without stopping I call over my shoulder that I'll be right back.

John's jeep is there in the parking lot, exactly where it was when we left it there this morning. I sign wearily and rest back against the bonnet of the vehicle. I decide to go back into the ER officially finish my shift, hoping Carter will show up by the time I'm done.

Forty-five minutes go by due to Morris being late for his shift, before I finally manage to escape the pull of the hospital. Still no sign of Carter, and I can't help thinking that the lovely bubble we had this weekend has well and truly burst. I rub my eyes with the palm of my right hand, feeling tired. Not wanting to go home to an empty apartment just yet, I move to the lifts, intent on feeling the wind on my face and the surreal calm I can only find on the roof of this hospital.

It's a cold night, a chill in the air that could mean snow, but the sky is clear and there are a few stars above the Chicago skyline. I pull my scarf closer to my neck; the wintry wind pulls tendrils of my hair out of its French twist and blows them around my face.

"Hey."

I jump visibly at the voice a few meters away from me, wondering how I could have missed another person on the roof already. I turn to see Carter, bundled up in his coat and looking frozen.

"You look cold."

He graces me with a half smile before turning his head back to look up into the night.

"Are you okay?"

"Abby," He looks at me with that sadness I haven't seen on his face for a few months now, and I know what he's going to say. "I want to be alone for a while, okay? I just… I can't be around you right now."

I can't help but stare at him in surprise. His gentle tone did nothing to soften the words, and the crushing realisation that I'd let myself get hurt by the same man a second time settled over me. Only this time he isn't even going to explain it. How did we arrive at work together this morning, make dinner plans for tonight and then he does this twelve hours later?

"Okay." My voice isn't as strong as it should be and I hate myself for it, swiping a hand across one eye as hot tears sting my eyes. "Fine."

He calls my name once, but I don't slow my pace. All I want to do now is go home and forget the last four days. I'm so angry with myself for letting him in again, when I knew he wasn't ready, or even being sure I was ready. And I'm crying! I don't cry, and I certainly don't when there are other people around. I knew my life was going too smoothly, so of course I have to make a big mistake to make up for it.

* * *

When I finally get home, I run a bath and shut myself away from the world for as long as possible. Then I tidied the whole apartment, and once I ran out of things to do I eventually sat on the sofa and read a medical journal. 

A buzzing sound woke me, as I realised I'd fallen asleep, journal still open in front of me. My groggy mind at last placed the buzzing as someone wanting to get in, and I sighed as I got up to see whom it was. Before I reached the phone, there was a knocking on my door.

"Abby?" A male voice called.

My heart sank.

Carter.

He knocked again, and I gave in, knowing he wouldn't leave until I'd answered the door.

"What do you want, Carter?"

I folded my arms across my chest and tried to look disinterested. His brown eyes scanned me as if checking it was really me, then he ran a hand through his wind-swept hair.

"You weren't answering your phone."

"That's because it's off the hook." I shoot back.

"I was worried something- " His eyes try to capture mine, but I refuse to look at him.

"What do you want, Carter?" I ask again, my voice cold.

"I wanted to explain." He reaches forward to touch me and I move back quickly, feeling my temper returning.

"You made yourself clear. You don't want to be around me, and that's fine. So leave." I circle around him and pull the door open.

His hurt expression would've made me reconsider had I not been so angry with both him and myself. "Abby-"

"Look, Carter. You can't expect me to listen to you tell me why you don't want me in your life all over again, I get it. It'll make you feel better but it sure as hell won't do the same for me." I can feel my throat tighten as my eyes threaten to water; angry tears ready to fall.

"Abby, listen you've- "

"Please just go!" I'm nearly yelling and he looks upset for a minute before nodding.

He moved into the doorway, turning back to look at me. "Abby, you misunderstood me before. It's-"

The expression on my face tells him not to bother, and I watch as he sighs. "I'm sorry, Abby."

I shut the door behind him, leaning back against it and sliding down to sit on the floor. I feel so empty, a desperate feeling of wanting to do something to stop myself feeling like this settling around my shoulders. I knew this would happen. I knew it wouldn't be different this time. And I did it anyway. I pull my legs up and hug my knees, hot tears finally falling.


	10. Justification

**If Only**

Chapter 10 - Justification

I'm in at five the following morning, and although I seriously consider calling in sick, I find myself riding the El at four thirty. I know Carter will be on from eight, and I really don't want a confrontation at the hospital, so I figure if I take on as many patients as I can I should be too busy to stop for very long.

I stand up as the train slows and slides into my stop, readjusting my bag over my shoulder and making my way towards the exit. I buy a coffee to take into the E.R. with me, an anxious feeling plaguing me as I mentally count down how many hours I have left before my shift crosses with Carter's. Luka is standing at admin as I walk in, gracing me with a smile as I place my coffee cup on the desk in front of him.

"It's too early to be here." I complain good-naturedly.

"At least its quiet." He replies, handing over three charts and explaining the follow-ups they each needed. "Have fun." I hear his quiet chuckle at my disbelieving stare as he shrugs on his dark jacket and heads for the doors.

* * *

I run into Susan a little while later, who of course wanted to know what happened with Carter. I tell her I don't want to talk about it; making a quick escape by saying I needed to check on a patients labs. As much as I tried not to, I couldn't help but check the time every ten minutes or so, which is how I knew it was nearly seven when a trauma came in. A pregnant woman who'd fallen at the supermarket and was now in labour, thankfully she was two weeks off being full term. The EMTs were concerned as she was in and out of consciousness due to hitting her head when she fell. As I accepted the trauma, it was me who eventually took her upstairs to the O.B ward, and was there for nearly two hours due to complications with the labour and the overstretched O.B ward. 

Several nurses greeted me as I returned to the E.R with warnings that Weaver was on the warpath and looking for me. I rolled my eyes and headed straight for the lounge; if I was already in trouble another five minutes for a coffee couldn't hurt. As I waited for the water to boil, I stood and watched through one of the windows looking out on the ambulance bay, noticing the tiny flakes of snow falling from the sky.

"Hey." I hear Carter's voice from behind me, surprising me, as I didn't even hear the door open. "You know Weaver's looking for you."

I avoid looking at him, grasping the kettle and pouring the scalding liquid into a cup. "Yeah, thanks."

"Is there enough for two there?"

I nod, my gaze fixed on my hand stirring the spoon in the coffee as I feel his eyes on me. I sense him moving towards me to make himself a drink and I instinctively move in the opposite direction, around the table and chairs and headed for the door, cup in hand.

"Abby." He moves fast enough to block my exit, forcing me to look at him. He's wearing a black V-neck jumper that he knows was always my favourite when we were dating, and I wonder if he's wearing it on purpose or if he even remembers. I try to hate him for looking as good as he does today, but I hate myself more for noticing. "You've got what happened yesterday all wrong, I- "

"Not here, Carter."

"Can I come by your place after my shift? I'm off at seven. Just hear me out and I'll leave, okay?"

"I have patients to get back to." I tell him, moving around him and heading out the door before he can reply.

* * *

I manage the rest of my shift without running into Carter for more than a few minutes, and finally leave before Weaver can find me. Of course half-way home my luck rears its ugly head as the El train breaks down, causing all of us on there to have to wait for half an hour before it got going again. I stop for groceries on the way back to my apartment and by the time I finally reach it I just want to crawl into bed, leaving the day as far behind me as possible. As I struggle with the assortment of bags and try to find my keys, I catch sight of Carter turning the corner and coming towards me. 

"Some people would call this stalking, Carter." I fumble with the keys in my hand, nearly dropping everything. At the last second Carter grabs a hold of my arms to rebalance me, taking one of the bags of groceries, freeing my hand to unlock my door. He follows me inside, and I let us both into my apartment, resigned to the fact he won't leave me alone until he's said whatever it is he needs to say.

"I brought fish and chips." He offers with a pleasant smile, holding up the familiar bag from Brenen's.

I roll my eyes, not quite believing what I'm seeing. "Why are you here?"

He sighs, placing the groceries and the meal on my kitchen table before stepping towards me. "What happened yesterday… it was a mistake. What I said, I didn't mean it like it sounded."

"Was that when you said you loved me, or when you said you couldn't bear to be around me?" I ask angrily.

"Abby," He breathes as he moves towards me.

"No, Carter!" I move around to the other side of the room and face him. "You want to explain why you don't want to be with me, go ahead. But don't expect it to make any difference to me."

He took a deep breath. "When I said that, I didn't mean what you think. I only wanted a couple of hours to get my head straight."

I stare at him, my disbelief obvious on my face.

"Honestly, Abby, that's the truth. I saw you with the baby and… it was… it just brought back memories. I never meant I didn't want to be with you." He's moving towards me again, sincerity etched into his features.

I really have no idea what to say to him, or any idea how I should feel about this. When I finally find my voice, I can't stop myself from stating the flaw in his explanation. "You said you didn't want to be around me, Carter. It sounded pretty final to me."

"I said I _couldn't_ be around you right now, not that I didn't want to. I needed to be on my own for a while, and I didn't explain myself." He watches me intently, is voice soft and his earnest expression gauging whether I believe him or not. "I never thought you'd think I was ending this, Abby."

"You'd do it at some point anyway." I snap furiously, locking my eyes to his in a challenge.

His face flashes with hurt, before hardening to irritation. "That's not fair."

"Yes, it is, Carter. We both know it's not me you want to be with, and I don't know if you feel guilty or if you just want company or what it is, but-"

"God, Abby! Why do you have to be so stubborn? What do I have to do to convince you?"

He's nearly yelling now, but I'm in full-blown self-protection mode. "All relationships fail, Carter. At some point one person lets the other down and erodes away the friendship, or the trust, or the love they share. And piece-by-piece they fall apart. I can't do that anymore, it's-"

I barely catch his movement out of the corner of my eye before he's pressed me up against the wall, his gentle hands either side of my face as his mouth descends on mine impatiently. It's at least a minute before my brain kicks in again, and I push him away.

"What the hell are you doing?" I ask, my shaking slightly.

That apparently wasn't the reaction he was hoping for, the mix of surprise and frustration evident from his expression. "I'm trying to get through to you, Abby."


	11. Clarity

If Only 

Chapter 11 – Clarity

"And you think that's the way to do it?" My voice is furious as I shout at him, but a defiant part of me is screaming out to just kiss him and go back to our weekend together.

"Abby, I'm not leaving until you listen to me." He grabs my hands with both of his and ducks his head to lock his eyes to mine as I try to avert my gaze. "I'm in love with you."

I'm speechless for a second, staring into his intense brown eyes and wishing I could believe what he was saying. "You're not."

His laugh is humourless as he backs away from me and runs a hand over his hair. "Don't tell me how I feel, Abby. I'm in love with you, as frustrating as that is."

"I'm not going through this again, Carter."

"Why are you so ready to accept I wanted this to end?" He's standing back from me now, his handsome face set in earnest fascination as he watches me.

"What was 'this', Carter? It was one weekend! You wanted company and I…" I cut off my accusation as I nearly fall into the trap of revealing how I feel. I've done that too many times already with Carter, and I refuse to do it again now.

"You what, Abby? What was last weekend to you?" He's yelling at me, obviously not liking my less than honest answer.

Hot tears spring to my eyes as I stare at him. As much as I want to protect myself, I can't lie about this, about how I feel. I swipe a hand across my eyes and move past him under the pretence of making coffee. I hear him move and drop to the couch, as I fight back the tears threatening to fall.

I take out two mugs from the cupboard as Carter has made no move to leave in the minutes it has taken me to brew the coffee. He looks up at me in surprise as I hand him the drink, sitting down on the other end of the couch, leaving a whole cushion as the no-mans-land between us.

"I'm sorry." I say it quietly before I can stop myself, and I'm not sure I can pinpoint what exactly I'm apologising for, but the whole situation feels like my fault, whether it actually is or not.

"I still want an answer." His voice is soft but does nothing to disguise the demand.

I sip my coffee, holding the bright blue mug in front of me with both hands as if it could shield me from any more of this argument. "You know what it meant to me, Carter." I can't look at him as I say it, studying a tiny chip in the porcelain of my cup instead.

His eyes are on me as I avoid looking anywhere near him, waiting for his next words. "To be honest, Abby, I thought I did. Now I'm not sure I do."

"I don't know what do you want me to say." I reply lightly.

"Tell me what you're so scared of. Tell me being together this weekend meant as much to you as it did to me." He suggested forcefully, not quite managing to keep his voice level.

I don't answer. I can't, I have no idea what to say, how to formulate my feelings even if I had half a clue what they were.

"Do you remember that night I came back from Congo?" He's talking again, apparently abandoning the question he's just asked me. "I came straight here from the airport."

"It's hard to forget your boyfriend leaving for two weeks without so much as a goodbye, Carter." I snap sarcastically, the worry I went through for two weeks that he wouldn't come back alive on top of the anxiety that our relationship was over, coming back to me like a hangover.

"Abby, I'd spent two solid weeks just wishing I could see you. Two weeks trying to figure out how I could fix our relationship, and that night I finally got to see you again." He stopped, a frown creasing his forehead as he stares into his cooling coffee.

"And within twenty-four hours you were on a plane back to Africa." I stand up abruptly, my anger returning.

"I went back for Luka."

"And you stayed there!" I shout at him, feeling a stray tear on my cheek as I finally let my fury out at the cause of my being left alone two years ago. "I was in love with you Carter! I made you leave because you turned up in the middle of the night like some archangel, after two weeks of having no idea where you were! I was angry, and I wanted to hurt you like you'd hurt me. But you left. You left again and sent me a letter." My voice is bitter, and I feel a perverse sense of longing to know what he will say to this, having never talked about our break-up or our feelings before now.

It's his turn to be silent now.

"And the letter got round the whole department, did you know that? The whole ER knew within an hour of me reading that lovely note that you were cutting your losses back in Chicago so you could be free and single over there." As a rule, I don't cry. I'm not the type, nor have I ever been except rare occasions. Rare occasions seemingly being this one, as heated tears run freely from my eyes.

My sarcasm sparks a response as he rises to face me. "You want to know the truth, Abby? I didn't stop thinking about you when I was over there. Believe me I tried to. I dated other women, I worked as many hours as I could and I wrote you that damn letter, all in an attempt to forget you!"

"So what happened? It was too much fun trying to forget me that you decided to stay there?" I'm only vaguely aware of how poisonous my mocking tone is, but my fury blinds my common sense so I'm helpless to do anything but regret my words later.

"You want me to spell it out? I stayed for the baby. My baby. A family." The rage drains from both of us in an instant. I drop slowly to the sofa, my head in my hands. I sense Carter crouch in front of me, placing his hands on my knees gently.

We sit in silence for a little while, neither sure what to say and both too exhausted from the furious dispute to make small talk.

He's still in front of me, his eyes on the dark blue of my jeans as he distractedly runs a finger in circles over my knee. "When I lost it yesterday, it wasn't the baby that got to me." He speaks quietly, not looking up to meet my eyes as I look at him in confusion.

"What?"

I watch as he sighs, then finally sets his lovely brown eyes to mine. "It was you with the baby that got to me, Abby." His voice is so quiet I'm not sure I heard him right.

"I don't understand."

"When I was in the Congo, after Kem told me she was pregnant, I would sometimes have these images of you. I've only ever imagined myself marrying you, Abby, that you would be the one pregnant with my baby. And then I saw you yesterday…" He locked his intense gaze to mine. "Holding that baby like that, it was exactly like those images I kept having."

I look at him in astonishment, wondering if this could possibly be true.

"Abby, I didn't realise it then, or maybe I did and I just ignored it, but I never stopped loving you." Carter studies me with a compelling stare, his expression as sincere as always as he adds; "I need you, Abby."


	12. Reassessment

**If Only**

**Chapter 12 – Reassessment**

This was too much. I think my emotions are going to rip me apart if I don't get out of this right now.

"I mean it, Abby." He's still setting his sincere brown eyes on me, a look of determination adorning his handsome features.

"I can't deal with this." I hear myself whisper, backing up and away from his reach. I know I must look distressed because his hurt expression turns to one of concern as he watches me, hoping for an answer to something I don't yet know.

"I'll go." Carter says eventually, but I don't move until I hear the door close behind him, finally leaving me alone. But now I have no idea how to face this, whether to laugh or cry. The last two years, going back to Medical School, watching Carter return to the hospital with a pregnant girl on his arm, all of it… it was based on a lie.

Standing somewhat shakily, I make it to my bedroom and collapsed on the bed in exhaustion.

* * *

"Hey, Miss – Miss? Are you a Doctor?" 

I realise I'd been staring at the same chart in front of me for ten minutes and look up to see a young teen cradling his arm against his chest. "Sorry, yeah." I stand and round the admit desk to take a look at the boy's arm, before showing him to a bed. He tells me he has to leave soon and that he can't be late home. I manage to pry his name from him after a little debate over anonymous care. "This looks pretty bad, Thomas. What were you doing?" I continue to assess the fracture as I talk to him with a smile, hoping he will relax a little. His hesitance to respond gets my guard up and as I finish the exam I tell him I'll be right back.

"Chuny," I spot the dark-haired nurse two beds over. "The kid in bed seven, Thomas Brevy. Can you keep an eye on him for a few minutes, make sure he doesn't leave?"

"Sure, no problem."

I go in search of Susan or Luka, eventually finding Susan headed out on a coffee run. "Hey can you come see one of my patients? He's thirteen, seems- "

"Sorry, Abby, I'm meeting Chuck. Carter! Hey, Carter!" She's called him over before I can stop her and asked him to go in her place. I really wasn't kidding about my luck; it defies logic that I can have such bad timing all my life.

"I think it could be abuse, he seems skittish and definitely doesn't want to be here longer than he has to. Appears to be older bruising on his chest and he couldn't tell me where he got them from." As I hand him the chart his hand closes over mine accidentally as he takes it from me, causing my eyes to jolt to his before I can stop myself. He sends me a gentle smile before averting his eyes to look over Thomas's chart.

"You pulled his chart?"

"Yeah, haven't had it back yet. There's definitely something going on. He's scared, Carter."

"So you want a second opinion?" He asks me as he flips through the coloured pages of Thomas's exam.

"He wasn't keen to say much at all, maybe he'd be more comfortable with a male doctor?" I suggest, not wanting to word this sixth-sense type of feeling I had about this kid.

He nods, straightening his 6'1 frame and turning his head to look for my patient. Carter follows me into the teen's room, waiting until I have introduced him to Thomas before he speaks.

"Okay, Thomas, Abby tells me you've hurt your arm?"

He nodded his dark-blonde head, watching Carter cautiously as he had done with me earlier. "I… fell over at school today."

"Your parents know where you are? Or did someone from your school bring you here?"

"No, I came by myself."

"It's okay, Thomas, we just want to help you." Carter's soft voice appealed to him. There are very few doctors I know who can invoke trust as fast as John Carter in a skittish patient, and I can't help but admire that about him. "You want us to call your folks?"

Thomas shook his head quickly. "No, it's just me and Dad. He's at work."

"Is there anyone else we can call to come sit with you?" I ask gently, meeting his piercing blue gaze, his eyes belying his thirteen years.

"No." His reply is too rapid, and Carter shares an acknowledging glance with me, obviously having picked up the same vibe I had on this kid's story.

"You know you can tell me anything you like, Thomas. It'll be confidential."

"I…" he flinches as Carter presses a tender spot on his stomach. "I just need to get home."

"How did you get these bruises? They look painful." Carter asks with a placating smile.

"I play football."

I share another glance with Carter and we leave Thomas alone, stepping out into the busy hospital hallway. A movement in my peripheral vision causes me to look back through the blinds of his room, and I notice the distinctly distraught expression on the young teen's face.

"Wait for the films to come back but I think we might need a social services consult." Carter holds the chart out to me, and I can feel his eyes watching me as I stare through the blinds at Thomas.

"You think it's abuse?"

"Could be, or maybe he just gets nervous around hospitals, wants to get out of here." He suggests lightly.

"Yeah I know that feeling." I reply with a wry smile, signing the chart to authorise the tests I'd ordered. I look up finally to meet his eyes, turning to leave as I thank him for his help.

He's giving me that soft smile again, catching my arm before I can make an escape. "Hey, Abby. I'm sorry about last night, I shouldn't have put so much pressure on you."

"You didn't mean what you said then?" I know I'm being awkward, but I'm not sure I can believe he's had feelings for me throughout the last year despite our respective situations. Mostly because I'm not sure I want to face it.

"Of course I meant it. Just…" He folds his arms, and sighs as he looks down to the floor. He holds my gaze with those intense brown eyes, and I feel the familiar sensation of wanting to kiss him bubble up inside me. "Just tell me if you want to get coffee and pie sometime, okay?"

"Sure." I nod self-consciously, but he's the one to break the moment as he moves away down the crowded corridor. I find myself watching his back as he moves away, wondering if I'm about to make another of my signature bad judgements.

* * *

"Abby, that kid in seven is leaving." Malik told me quickly as he stuck his head round the door. I'm in the middle of stitching a woman's forehead, so I have to call out to Malik to stall him. I spot Thomas with a middle-aged man propelling him forwards towards the ambulance bay doors. 

"Thomas!" As he turns I notice the clearly anxious expression on his face, but they both wait until I catch up with them before moving. "Thomas, I haven't set your wrist yet. If you leave it won't heal properly."

"Haven't got time, lady. I'm missing work for this." The man, who I'm guessing is Thomas's father, barely looks at me as he snaps and pulls his son forward.

"Sir, your son needs treatment for his arm. If you'll just- " I move with them, feeling my limited supply of congeniality swiftly running out.

"Look, the kid's fine. I'll fix him up myself when I get home from work."

"It won't take long, sir. Just stay here for a little longer while I wait for his x-rays to come back." I try to appeal to the man patiently, but don't quite manage to keep the irritation out of my voice at his hostility.

This time he ignored me completely, reaching the doors with Thomas. Deciding to try one last time, I hurry after them and I don't notice Carter coming out into the bay behind me.

"Sir," I grasp the taller man's shoulder, hoping to at least gain eye contact. "Could you- "

Suddenly he whips around and I feel a firm hand squarely hit me in the chest, pushing me backwards forcefully. The shove sends me backwards and I stumble, falling backwards before I can rebalance myself. Stupidly I put my left arm out to break my fall, landing awkwardly.

I see them both rounding the corner, letting out a frustrated sigh as a sharp pain shoots through my arm.

"Abby!" Carter's voice pulls me out of my daze and I try to stand up. He's beside me in a second, helping me get up from the hard ground.

"Who called his father?" I ask impatiently, as Carter tried to hold on to my arm long enough to check for a fracture. "Carter, my arm's fine."

"Just be quiet and sit on a bed for two minutes while I check, okay?" From the tone in his voice I can tell I won't win this one.

"I can look after myself, you know," I complain, tiredly running my right hand over my hair and letting out a wince as he presses against my elbow. "Well, usually."

He flashes me a grin, his warm hands sending shivers up my arm. "It's not your fault, Abby. He's a kid with a few bruises, chances are he got into a fight at school and didn't want his dad to know about it."

"Maybe he'll bring him back after work."

"Check his films when they come back, apart from that there's not much else you can do."

I study his hairline as he continues to check my forearm, a thought suddenly occurring to me. "You came out into the bay to check on me, didn't you?"

His lop-sided smile is guilty as he pretends to be enthralled with the exam.

I sigh, a smirk creeping on to my face. "Okay, Carter you win."

"Win what?" He lifts his head to meet my eyes. "Do I get a prize for this one?"

"Depends what you would class as a prize." I tell him secretively. "It doesn't feel like a fracture."

I watch with amusement as the confusion momentarily crosses his handsome face from my changing tacks so quickly. "No, just a bad sprain."

"So now I can prescribe myself some common sense in dealing with angry fathers and be on my way." Shifting off the bed, I test my aching right arm and smile at Carter.

"Do I have to guess what I've won?" The boyish grin is back, coupled with a light annoyance I claim as mine due to the amount of times I've caused him to look at me with that expression.

"Coffee and pie? I'm off in an hour." I clarify as I stand next to him, watching as he rises to surpass my height.

"There are two problems with that."

"Really, what exactly would they be?"

"One, you should go home and rest your arm. And two, I'm covering Susan's shift for another hour after mine finishes, which means I'm on for another three hours."

I can't tell if he's kidding, but he laughs at my surprised expression.

"How does a home-cooked masterpiece of meal sound instead?"

"Like someone's delusional about their catering skills." I smirk, crossing my arms across my chest, wincing as I remember my sore arm.

"My place, 8 'o' clock?" He offers with a charming smile.

"Will I get a lecture about my arm?"

"Will you listen?" He counters.

An irresistible urge to kiss him overcomes me, and I peck him on the lips fleetingly, enjoying the amazed expression I receive in return. "See you then."

* * *

**Thanks so much for the reviews and I'll try to get the next chapter up soon! Who wants angst and who wants fluff? Lol. I'll try to cater for both!**


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